An Absence of Passion

Passion: 1) any powerful or compelling emotion, such as love or hate.

6) a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

The Steelers lost Sunday. Normally I would have been a complete wreck by the end of the game. I probably would have been in a total funk for several days. During the game I would have thrown objects, such as small children and coffee tables, at the television. My language would have been enough to embarrass a Merchant Marine sailor, and would have included made-up curse words (e.g. "fingelflooker", "fudgybork", "pisswhiskers", etc). I would have whipped my Terrible Towel around with such force that small animals would have been sucked up into the vortex I created. And Heaven forbid that the Towel hit you, it would pull an eyeball straight out of your face (and don't think we're taking you to the ER until the game's over!). In past days, I would have wanted to go out and vent my frustration after a loss like Sunday's. Maybe drive to the city and murder a hobo. Rob a 711. Pick up a crack whore and drive around with her for a while.

But I wasn't even that upset. I was mildly disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I WANTED my Steelers to win. I have bled black and gold since I was old enough to understand football. I can clearly remember the Immaculate Reception and every single Steelers Super Bowl victory. But something was different this year...NO PASSION.

The Daytona 500 is coming up on February 20th. Normally I'd be wearing my Tony Stewart underoos and racing helmet around the house. I'd be making engine noises while walking in the Mall, squealing my tennis shoes at every turn. Walking directly behind people to increase speed. Holding secret Matchbox car races in my room. Tying a 2 X 4 to the front bumper of the Soccer Mom Special (my mini-van) so that I could spin out slower vehicles on the highway.

And yet none of those things are going on this year. I haven't even checked out NASCAR.com to see which drivers switched teams, who has new sponsors, etc. I'm not even in any NASCAR fantasy leagues, something I usually enjoy a great deal. Oh I'll watch the race...make no mistake about that. But it'll be different this year....NO PASSION.

My lack of passion has affected every area of my life. I'm not even interested in self-massage anymore. I've tried aromatherapy candles, Barry White music, talking dirty to myself, and special lotions...anything to set the mood. But still nothing.

Passion drives us as human beings. It has fueled every great discovery, every amazing and life-changing invention. It has won wars and preserved freedom. It is what took us to the Moon. What cured Polio. What brought down the Berlin Wall. Nothing remarkable or significant ever happens in this world until a person or group of people has the passion to get it done.

Sure, you also need energy. You also need intelligence. You also need resources. But take passion out of the equation and all of these things are of little use. There's no drive, no direction, no focus.

What are we without passion? We're sacks of skin and bones, simply going through the motions of living. Bad actors in a horrible play. We can try faking it, but it's usually apparent to all (unlike my orgasms, which I fake quite convincingly).

Where did my passion go? I could simply blame bipolar disorder, maybe whine around about how it robbed me of my passion. But truthfully, I lost it. I allowed life to beat it out of me. I'm to blame. And only I can get it back. I'm like Austin Powers looking for his Mo-Jo. Like Snoop Dogg looking for his hoes (Where da hoes at?). Like Justin Bieber looking for puberty.

What is it that holds me back? I think fear. I've become afraid to get passionate about anything for fear of being bitterly disappointed. Or for fear of failing, something I've elevated to a high art form. If I drift through life without passion, I may not enjoy things, but I also don't suffer a lot of crushing defeats. To have passion is to risk. It makes you put yourself out there. Nothing worthwhile is ever accomplished without passion.

And so, I need to get passionate about reclaiming my passion. It's been gone for a long time. If I ever get it back, look out world. I could be a force to be reckoned with.